Secrets of the Heart
by KLUTZYLIKEBELLA
Summary: Bella has a tragic past that drives her to move to Forks with her dad and brother Emmett. She wants to remain distant but the Cullen's and Hale's make it difficult, especially Edward who tries to find his way to her heart, if only she'll let him in.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is my first story so constructive criticism is great, tell me if you love it, hate it, or if you have any ideas for the story. Thanks!

Disclaimer: I am not Stephanie Meyer and unfortunately I cant steal the rights to Twilight, Edward always reads my mind and foils my plan *sigh*

* * *

**Prologue**

_You couldn't save me_, his voice echoed in my head, nearly making me drop to my knees at his accusing tone, making me dizzy, _you weren't enough_; I heard a ringing and a distant blur of voices.

I dropped to the floor, hiding my head in my lap with my fists in my hair, begging the voice to stop.

_You killed me_

The world went black


	2. I'm Not Okay

**Chapter One- I'm Not Okay**

Songs in this Chapter:

My Chemical Romance- I'm not Okay

Green Day- Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Green Day- Brain Stew

Linkin Park- Somewhere I belong

_What will it take to show you that it's not the life it seems?_  
_(I'm not okay)_  
_I've told you time and time again you sing the words but don't know what it means_  
_(I'm not okay)_  
_To be a joke and look, another line without a hook_  
_I held you close as we both shook for the last time take a good hard look!_

I took a deep breath before departing the plane, summoning all the positive energy I possessed before I would be bombarded by the monstrosity that was my brother Emmett. I hadn't seen him in awhile, I usually visited every summer but complications had prevented that trip and it had now been about two years since I had seen him and dad.

I lived with my mom in Phoenix while Emmett lived with dad in Forks, Washington; I couldn't stand living in the dreary town that screamed desolation. I hadn't been here since I was ten, choosing to spend my summer vacations in California; I saw Emmett racing toward me once he caught sight of me and prepared myself for the onslaught. I love my brother but sometimes he could be a bit much, "Bella Bear!" he screamed across the terminal. I rolled my eyes and felt the floor leave my feet and my oxygen rapidly depleting as I was wrapped in his famous bear hug.

"Emmett" I exhaled, "need . . . air" he instantly released me "sorry" he smiled sheepishly and I gave him a small smile, "its fine, guess I forgot about your bear hugs" halfway through my sentence I saw his eyes linger on my face longer than necessary and was about to ask him if I had something on my face before I remembered he hadn't seen me with my lip ring. I got my snake bites a year ago and didn't think about how Charlie would see them- too caught up with preparations in Phoenix- he was a cop after all.

"Wow, when did you get that" he stared mesmerized. I laughed, "I got them about a year ago, you want one, or maybe an eyebrow piercing, I'm certified. "

He stared uncertainly before hesitantly replying "I don't think so, but thanks" I could tell he was trying not to offend me but I decided to tease him "what, scared of a little pinch, the last guy didn't even scream that loud".

His eyes widened and I stifled a laugh as Charlie came up to me and gave an awkward wave, "how have you been Bells" Charlie always had difficulty expressing emotions.

"I'm fine dad, why don't we go before brother bear flips his shit and smothers another teenage girl" I said humorously. He raised an eyebrow, just now realizing my lip piercing and I replied with what I knew best, avoidance.

"Alright well let's get going" I hurried out before them and they eventually caught up dropping the subject. Charlie may disapprove but there was no way I was giving it up, it was my only attachment to my past besides my tattoo.

I got it a couple years back on the back of my upper right thigh, it read: She Will Be Loved. Nobody knew about it, not even Damion –. I let that thought stop right there, no need to alert Charlie or Emmett to my unstable emotions right now.

I wonder how much they even knew about my decision to move here, for all they know I just wanted to move back in with my brother and dad, blissfully ignorant to the real reason. I knew when I moved here I would have to cut all ties back in Phoenix, it was for the best ; just like I promised myself I would not make any new ones here, I only end up hurting the ones I love and I refused to put another notch on my conscience.

I only had one more year after this and then I would be moving far away, away from anyone I have the power to hurt; it was times like these I wish I had tesoro but she was packed away in the trunk along with my amp and sheet music. My fingers itched to play, it was the best therapy for my emotions, I only played about my life which is why I never let anyone listen except Damion; it was just too personal. I would just have to make do with my iPod; I put my ear phones in, vaguely realizing that Emmett had been talking this whole time and I should probably listen, oh well I could blame it on jet lag. I closed my eyes and allowed the music to drown everything out.

_I walk a lonely road_  
_The only one that I have ever known_  
_Don't know where it goes_  
_But it's home to me and I walk alone_

I felt someone tap my shoulder and I realized we were home, I know it was rude to just block Emmett out but I had reached my toleration level for the day, I was ready to just go to my room and be alone.I realized belatedly that I wouldn't get the luxury of privacy with Emmett around, Renee tended to leave me to myself that it was like living with a roommate rather than a mother.

"I'll show you to your room" Emmett volunteered, he smiled brightly and I knew I was forgiven; he led me through the walkway and up the stairs to the three bedrooms, Charlie's was the furthest left, Emmet's was next, and then mine. I opened the door and drew in a breath; it looked as if nothing was touched, right from where I left my journal out on the desk. Redecorating was a necessity I thought idly as I stared in distaste at the bright purple comforter and curtains; I looked behind me and realized Emmett left, probably giving me space or I scared him off, I couldn't find it in myself to care.

I shut my door and plopped down on my bed. I picked up tesoro from the bags Emmett brought up and tenderly stroked her strings before starting into a song I wrote a few months ago, when insomnia took up a permanent residence.

_I'm having trouble trying to sleep_  
_I'm counting sheep but running out_  
_As time ticks by_  
_And still I try_  
_No rest for crosstops in my mind_

_On my own... here we go_

_My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed_  
_Dried up and bulging out my skull_  
_My mouth is dry_  
_My face is numb_  
_fucked up and spun out in my room_

_On my own... here we go_

_My mind is set on overdrive_  
_The clock is laughing in my face_  
_A crooked spine_  
_My sense's dulled_  
_Passed the point of delirium_

_On my own... here we go_

_My eyes feel like they're gonna bleed_  
_Dried up and bulging out my skull_  
_My mouth is dry_  
_My face is numb_  
_fucked up and spun out in my room_

_On my own... here we go_

I sighed and reluctantly set her down, futilely attempting to sleep.

I woke up the next morning with purple circles under my eyes and a new hatred for rain. It was Sunday and tomorrow I would be starting at Forks High, it was sure to be a fun experience what with being the new girl and whatnot, smack in the middle of January semester.

I quickly dressed in my usual skinny jeans and skillet band t-shirt then walked downstairs to make breakfast. Surprisingly I was met with Emmett preparing what smelled like bacon and eggs, I didn't know he cooked. In fact, I didn't know much about my own brother at all I thought guiltily; I decided I would use today to get to know him better.

"Hey Em, I didn't know you could cook" he turned around and smiled sheepishly, "well, I don't usually, most of the time its takeout but I thought that after yesterday you might want to relax and have a nice breakfast; it's the only thing I can make really" he replied while scratching the back of his head.

I would just have to take over cooking duties, it would be no different than back home, _except you don't have your best friend_, a voice whispered in the back of my head.

I quickly stuffed it back in my memory hole and responded, "thanks Em, you want to sit down and eat with me?" he smiled excitedly "sure" he turned off the stove and made plates for both of us, his full with twice as much as mine.

"So, what should I know about Forks High" I started out with a question that would hopefully get him talking. He took an exaggerated deep breath,

"Well, my friends are the Cullen's and Hale's. There's my girlfriend Rosalie Hale and her twin brother Jasper; then there's Edward and his sister Alice. They live in the mansion on the outskirts of town, they'll love you." I was surprised that he was so quick to assume the best of people, they don't even know me and I'm sure they wouldn't appreciate his little sister wedging her way in their circle. He continued without a pause, "They're the only ones I hang out with, just watch out for Lauren and Jessica, their bitches of the school and you don't want to get on their bad side".

I scoffed at that, I may keep to myself but I could defend myself fine, I had spent my whole life defending myself against accusations and I wouldn't let some insecure bitches push me around, that's for sure.

"I don't think that will be a problem" I said with a smirk, he looked at me questioningly before shrugging; his face changed to hesitation and I knew what he was about to ask me.

"So, do you wanna talk about mom" I flinched at his statement and immediately placed on my mask, "there's nothing to talk about" I stared hard at him, he was about to object but saw my stern expression and decided on a different topic. "How is Damion doing, I'm surprised he even let you come here, I thought you guys were attached to the hip" he chuckled; I cursed silently to myself, he seemed to be hitting on all of the sensitive topics, albeit this one unknowingly since no one knew what happened except Damion, me, and his parents, I tried to steer the conversation away from him.

"Yea, well we still talk but he understands I wanted to see you guys before going off to college" I swallowed convulsively and wished that were actually true, I wished I could still talk to him. I needed to stop thinking about him, I racked my brain for a harmless topic, he said he had a girlfriend

"So, Rosalie huh?" his face lit up and I could already tell that he loved her; from all his past relationships he never had that light in his eyes.

We talked through the day about meaningless topics and I knew he still wanted to talk to me about mom but that was a train wreck waiting to happen, I would avoid that topic as long as possible.

* * *

I woke up groggily, not looking forward to my first day, Emmett would be commuting me back and forth since I didn't have a car, I hated the lack of independence but I was appreciative of dad taking me in the first place.

I could care less how I looked, I took a quick shower and picked one of my many band t-shirts with dark jeans and a black hoodie, my hair laid flat against my back.

I jumped in the passenger seat of his monstrous jeep and we were soon at school, I jumped out the side and was nearly pummeled to the ground by a tiny raven haired girl, she looked like a fairy with a bright pink tutu over a pair of expensive jeans with suspenders and a bright splattered t-shirt. The image was so comical that it was impossible not to laugh; she removed her arms from around my waist and gave a bright smile that matched her clothing.

"I'm Alice and I know we're going to be best friends, what's your first class" she said all this at the speed of light and looking everywhere for what I assumed was my schedule. Emmett came up behind her and tossed her over his shoulder while she screeched at him for wrinkling her 'Gucci jeans'.

"Sorry, she goes a little overboard sometimes" Emmett apologized, before I had a chance to respond four other people came up which I assumed were the Hales and Cullen's.

"Hey, stop manhandling my girlfriend, that's my job"a soothing voice spoke, Alice screamed "Jazzy!" to which I assumed, was Jasper which left the blonde bombshell as Rosalie and the bronze haired boy as Edward.

I stood awkwardly to the side while Rosalie rolled her eyes at my brother but I could see the hint of a smile playing at the edge of her lips, Alice and Jasper embraced once she was released and I started to make my way to the office.

I slipped away unnoticed except for Edward with the Bronze who stared at me as I left, I could feel his eyes boring into my back, raising goose bumps. A song ran through my mind as I reached the door.

_what do i have but negativity_  
_cuz i cant trust no one by the way everyone is looking at me_  
_(nothing to lose)_  
_nothing to gain im hollow and alone_  
_and the fault is my own_  
_and the fault is my own_

After dealing with the typical introduction crap and whispering the day wasn't too bad, I think it had to do with the intimidation factor, whenever I caught people staring I would glare at them and they would immediately turn back around.

I didn't care much about the whispering, I was used to that, but the blatant staring was a little unnerving, they didn't even try to be discreet. By the time lunch rolled around I figured I would escape to the library and listen to my iPod but before I made it out of my class I was startled by a familiar booming voice,

"Bella, where are you going" I turned around to find Emmett waiting for me with Rosalie wrapped around his arm.

"I'm not really hungry, I was going to go hang out in the library" he looked at me like I was crazy for even wanting to go near a library,

"come sit with us" I sighed but reluctantly followed, I don't know why he was so insistent on having me tag along, I'm sure the novelty would wear off soon and I could fade into the background like I always did. By the time we made it to the table everyone else was already there.

I took my black side bag off and sat down across from Rosalie and Emmett and next to Edward who seemed to be the only single one; it sucks to be the fifth wheel. I took my hand glancing at each person, Jasper was sitting next to Edward, he had sandy blond hair and clear blue eyes, he had the traits of the pot heads I knew back in Phoenix, and sitting next to him was Alice whom I had clearly met this morning.

Sitting opposite of me was Rosalie, her strong cold features gave an aura of an untouchable beauty; she held herself with confidence but I had seen the softer side when she looked at Emmett. Then next to me was Edward, he had yet to say anything that I had heard and pegged him for a loner, he had deep green eyes and a pale complexion that worked with his bronze hair, he was attractive.

Emmett cleared his throat exaggeratedly, "So, everyone, this is my little sister Bella" he said proudly and I felt a tug at my heart, I really did need to spend more time with him.

"I think we've all established that Em, you've been talking about her nonstop for the past two weeks" jasper commented.

I blushed and he ignored Jasper's comment, "That smartass is Jasper and his girlfriend Alice you met this morning" he chuckled, probably remembering our strange meeting "the quiet one sitting next to you is Edward, you two might get along" Edward gave me a small smile but returned to his food, pushing it along with his fork

"and this, is my girlfriend Rosalie" he smiled down at her and she turned to appraise me, I was used to girls like this and I returned her stare, quirking an eyebrow. Eventually she smiled satisfactorily "you've don't take crap, I like you" I laughed at her forwardness; I could see why Emmett liked her despite her bitchy exterior.

"Oh my God, I love your bracelet where did you get it" Alice asked excitedly, I gazed down at my arm and realized I was still wearing _his_ bracelet.

"Um, it was a gift" I mumbled, ducking my head. Thankfully she didn't ask any more, "So Eddie, are you ready for attempt number 426" Emmet laughed. He groaned and I looked at him questioningly, "Jessica has taken a liking to me and continues to ask me out" Jasper snorted, "that's an understatement" he said under his breath.

Suddenly I caught a whiff of strong perfume and I looked up to who must be Jessica and another girl with just as much makeup and a preference for using a whole bottle of perfume in one sitting. I remembered the names from Emmett yesterday and figured this was the bitch brigade.

"Hey Edward" she giggled flirtatiously, twirling a piece of her bleach blond hair around her manicured blood red nails. He rolled his eyes subtly,

"hello Jessica" he responded politely. "So, I was wondering if you, like, wanted to go to the movies sometime" she tried to act blasé but the way her eyes darted to his as soon as the words escaped, gave her away.

"I'm sorry Jessica but I'm not really interested in seeing anyone right now" she stared unabashedly "oh well, that's okay; maybe another time" he muttered something incoherent under his breath.

She turned her gaze to me "so, you're the new girl" she said with distaste, I smiled falsely back at her and mimicked her tone "so, you're the slut" she narrowed her eyes at me and her face grew red. I heard muffled laughs and saw Edward smile slightly before ducking his head;

"yea, well your one to talk whore" she replied snidely. I laughed condescendingly; I didn't waste my time with arrogant valley girls who did nothing better with their time than insult anyone who didn't follow them. Emmett started to interrupt but I continued talking;

"It's no problem" I said turning towards Emmett "I don't waste my time on insecure bitches" she started stalking towards me attempting to be intimidating when Emmett interrupted again

"Jessica, I think you should go" she glared at me and then stalked away with Lauren, who hadn't said a word to defend her, at her side. It was quiet for a beat when Rosalie broke the silence

"Emmett, I love your little sister" everyone erupted in laughter. I blushed and looked down at my hands, Emmett stared at me in amazement "When did you get so assertive" I laughed blasé,

"I got thick skin" I replied nonchalantly "it comes with the territory" I mumbled under my breath.I looked back up to see everyone at the table staring at me and then look away. I stood up and grabbed my bag;

"I'm just going to check out my next class" I stated and started walking away before anyone could say anything. I walked idly down the halls, I knew I couldn't keep hanging out with them, I would only end up hurting them and if they found out about my past, they definitely would not want to be my friend. It would hurt Emmett's feelings but it would save him in the end. He didn't deserve a sister like me, a killer. The bell rang and I easily found my next class, biology. I walked up to the teacher to find my assigned seat to be met with emerald green eyes, Edward.

This was going to be harder than I thought.

_But you really need to listen to me_  
_Because I'm telling you the truth_  
_I mean this, I'm okay!_  
_(Trust Me)_

_I'm not okay_  
_I'm not okay_  
_Well, I'm not okay_  
_I'm not o-fucking-kay_  
_I'm not okay_  
_I'm not okay_  
_(Okay)_


	3. Welcome to my life

**Chapter Two- Welcome to my Life**

Songs in this chapter:

Carousel- Blink 182

Awake- Dashboard Confessional

Imperfection- Skillet

Best I ever had- Vertical Horizon

The Last Night- Skillet

Monster- Skillet

_To be hurt_  
_To feel lost_  
_To be left out in the dark_  
_To be kicked when you're down_  
_To feel like you've been pushed around_  
_To be on the edge of breaking down_  
_And no one's there to save you_  
_No you don't know what it's like_  
_Welcome to my life_

_Simple Plan- Welcome to my Life_

I spotted his vibrant green eyes and sighed lightly before making my way down the aisle to sit beside the only empty seat; he turned towards me and I tried to keep my face forward despite the obvious rude gesture.

"Hello, I didn't really get to introduce myself at lunch, I'm Edward Cullen" his voice was smooth and crooning, I stared a second too long before I responded hesitantly

"Bella Swan"

He smiled back at me but then I caught myself, already I had managed to screw up my only plan when I came here: don't make friends. That meant cutting ties with everyone, I knew it would hurt Emmett but this was the way it had to be.

I glanced down and I saw he had a Placebo button on his backpack, I bit my tongue to stop the word diarrhea from spilling, eager to discuss the merits of 'Battle with the Sun' and 'Without you I'm nothing' and I wondered absentmindedly if he was a fan of the older tracks.I would know if he was a real fan by his choice of songs.

"Allergic" he smirked, I was startled at my thoughts and was about to ask what the hell he was talking about when I noticed he saw me staring at his pin, my breath hitched at mention of the song that I sang in dedication to Damion, I don't think he ever fully realized why I chose that song.

"Of course, Without You I'm Nothing" I smirked right back, he laughed and it was thrilling to hear

"I guess a found another fan, Rose, Emmett and Alice don't understand why I like them, Jasper is the only one". I smiled and then remembered what I had promised myself,

"Edward" I started hesitantly, "I don't think it's wise for us to be friends" I saw his face fall slightly

"It's nothing personal, I'm just not a good person, you would be wise to stay away from me" his face turned disbelievingly

"I doubt that" I began to feel anger building at his insinuation, "look, I'm sorry but you know nothing about me or my situation so I would advise you to shut the hell up"

I turned back around to face the board. I felt guilt for yelling at him when he didn't deserve it, but I needed to scare him away, he didn't belong in my world. He was too innocent and I was a monster.

"Alright, class, let's begin chapter 11 on metabolic processes"

Mr. Banner droned on but I tuned him out, too distracted to listen to his rattling nonsense about material I learned two years ago. I slyly glanced at Edward from my peripheral and saw him furiously jotting down notes and paying close attention to Mr. Banner's words as if they were the secrets to life.

I took this time to study him more closely, his bronze hair was a disheveled mess on top of his head but it looked smooth to the touch; tendrils framed his face and grazed his bright eyes. He always had an intense expression on his face whether turning down whores or copying useless notes. His lips were full and slightly parted and below his high cheekbones he had adorable dimples adjacent his jaw.

I averted my attention to the front of the room and berated myself for checking out another guy, there was and always would be only one guy for me I thought sadly.

As soon as the bell rang I collected my materials and shot out of the room at lightning speed, hoping to avoid another confrontation.

The rest of the day flew by and I waited for Emmett by his jeep, "Hey Bella Bear" Emmett came up behind me, Rosalie's hand linked in his, "how was your day" I looked in his eyes and I hated doing this to him but it had to be done.

"It was okay, can we just go home Emmett" he looked briefly upset, "um sure, Rosie is coming with us if that's okay" his tone suggested he was asking me for approval.

"Yeah, that's fine" I responded and climbed in the back of his jeep without another word. Emmett and Rosalie followed and he flipped on the radio, "Carousel" blasting through the speakers

_Just you wait and see_  
_as school life is a_  
_It is a woken dream_  
_Aren't you feeling alone?_

When we got to the house we all walked in and I immediately turned around to face Emmett and Rosalie who looked like they knew something was wrong.

"Can I speak to you for a minute Em" he looked over at Rosalie and she nodded, "go ahead" she walked into the living room while we stood in the entrance near the door.

I took a deep breath, "look Em, I know you want me to fit in with your friends but I'm just not ready, I need to be alone for awhile." I glanced at his face and he appeared calm so I continued. "I know I haven't spoken much about Phoenix but I'm just not ready to talk about what is bothering me and it's not just mom. That's not the only reason I left Phoenix." Emmett's eyebrows rose but he kept his mouth shut, knowing I don't come forward with information willingly that often.

"I will tell you eventually but I need time to process everything that happened, Phoenix held too many memories; I don't want to hurt your feelings but I can't deal with people right now, I'm sorry" I didn't look up as I passed by him but he yanked my arm back

"hey" he said softly, "while I don't know what happened I understand, it's okay, you don't have to explain it to me, just let me know if you ever want to talk and I'll be here" I smiled hesitantly "thanks Em" he smiled back but I could tell he was worried by the glint in his eyes as he watched me ascend the stairs. I pulled Tesoro from the side of my bed and picked her up gently, strumming her chords and singing my sorrows

_Awake, through the years it takes to see you_

_'Til I almost lose my mind_

_'Cause I'll never be alright__  
__And I'm sorry you had to see this__  
__But I'm such a mess__  
__And I never could forget_

_I'm scared I'll miss the way we use to talk__  
__And if it's all forever lost don't wanna know__  
__I'm scared that you're the one that got away__  
__And i want you here with me__  
__Tonight, will never come_

_I'm scared I'll miss the way we use to talk__  
__And if it's all forever lost don't wanna know__  
__I'm scared that you're the one that got away__  
__And I want you here with me__  
__Tonight, will never come_

I fell back onto my bed, rubbing the palms of my hand against my eyes and using my pillow to muffle my screams. With a frustrated sigh I sat up and set to finish my homework. And this was day one of forever.

The next few weeks went the same way; I would sit in the library during lunch, losing myself in Jane Austen. I took my confidence from her, I would be strong. Emmett would always give me side glances when he thought I wasn't watching and I hated to worry him, no one had ever shown so much compassion for my well being, it was a bittersweet change. While I appreciated it, I missed the independence and I hated for him to worry about something that would never change, I was broken and would probably never heal.

On the third Friday of the month I was walking towards Emmett's jeep when I saw Emmett, Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, and Edward huddled around the Volvo, Edward's car, discussing something. They had all understood once Emmett explained my need for space but Edward always studiously ignored me, keeping my wishes for no friend which for some reason irked me despite it being what I wanted.

I walked up to them and they all stopped talking, staring at me; I began to get nervous "Hey, what's up" Alice squealed excitedly, "Bella, you have to come to our house tonight, we're having a movie night and I would really appreciate it if you did" she gave me pout and I knew I didn't stand a chance.

"Okay" I hesitantly agreed "Yes! Thank you, thank you, well have so much fun" she began discussing various beauty products with Rosalie so I tuned her out while Emmett and Jasper were discussing the upcoming football game; my phone rang in my pocket and I instantly froze, recognizing the ring tone.

_You fall to your knees_  
_You beg, you plead_  
_Can I be somebody else_  
_For all the times I hate myself?_

I swallowed thickly and with shaky fingers I opened the phone, "hel . . hello" I stuttered.

"Bella, how nice to hear your voice, it's been awhile" I breathed out the breath I was holding, reluctantly letting loose the false hope I was holding that it would be him, it was impossible. I idly wondered what Mr. Conti was doing answering Damion's phone and shivered at the last time I saw him, nothing good could come from him calling me.

"yea, I moved back in with my dad and brother Emmett"

"hmm, how nice, we've missed you here" I stayed silent, I definitely could not say the same "I hope your keeping your end of the bargain" his tone turned serious and I chuckled humorlessly to myself, bargain my ass, more like threat.

"of course, I would never say anything" I could practically hear the smile in his response,

"good, good, I wouldn't want to have to come down there and, convince, you after all", I hurriedly reassured him and he moved on to the topic I was sure prompted his call

"so, I'm holding the funeral in a few weeks and I thought I would invite you down, I'm sure you would want to be here, everyone has been so sad at the loss and I know you would be a good girl keeping your mouth shut, am i right" my breathing hitched, I didn't want to see him again or return to the place I distanced myself from, I was trying to forget. But I couldn't miss his funeral, I owed him that much.

"yes, I'll come down, I wouldn't miss it", he chuckled "I thought so, I'll call you soon with the details, it will be nice to see you again, a reunion of sorts, we all miss him but I think you do the most",

"yea it's been really hard" I swallowed the venom rising in my throat at his nonchalance towards the subject of his son's death.

"Talk to you soon" the dial tone echoed before I had a chance to respond. I put the phone away and took a deep breath before opening my eyes to see everyone staring at me curiously,

"who was that" Emmett asked. "Oh, just an old friend" I said dismissively. He looked like he didn't believe me but let it pass.

"Well, let's go home first then we will head to the Cullen's"

"okay", I responded, not really paying attention, my mind spinning from the call. I had the same feeling from the first day, like someone was watching me; I turned around to see Edward still staring at me with curiosity, I turned back around and hopped in the jeep.

After stopping at home quickly to change, we made our way to a huge mansion that must have been the Cullen's house from Alice's description, it was beautiful and seemed out of place in small town Forks. I stepped out just as Rosalie and Jasper pulled up beside us as we walked to the front door. Alice answered and hugged us both in excitement, dragging me along to meet her parents.

I suddenly became nervous, I forgot about their parents, the only experience I had with meeting parents had not been a pleasant experience; hopefully their parents would be saner but knowing Alice and Edward they would be just as polite and sweet.

"Here come meet my parents Bella, Esme is a decorator, she travels a lot along with my father Carlisle who is an E.R doctor but he specializes in many fields so he travels often as well. They will love you."

I wasn't so sure about that, but I followed her nonetheless; she dragged me into their entertainment room where I guessed we would be tonight by the assorted snacks and piles of movies splattered across the table. Her parents stood up and I glanced at a beautiful woman with soft brown locks who looked like the perfect housewife and loving mother, she seemed warm and wore a huge smile that appeared genuine.

"Hi, you must be Bella, I'm Esme, the kids have been talking about you, it's so nice to meet you" I stuck out my hand but she pulled me into a hug, I guess I knew where Alice got her exuberance from.

"Hello, Bella I'm Carlisle" a familiar voice sounded to my right, he had a strange look on his face when he stared at me, probably similar to mine because I knew I had seen him somewhere before and I could tell he felt the same by his expression

"Have I met you somewhere bef . . ." he trailed off as a look of recognition came on his face and then he looked worried. I was still looking lost before it hit me, Cullen, as in Doctor Cullen, the doctor who took over my mom and Damion's case.

"Oh no" I groaned softly, I came here to escape but it seemed like my past was following me everywhere.

"Um, hi doctor Cullen" I said nervously, not meeting his eyes.

"it's nice to see you again Bella under better circumstances this time, and call me Carlisle" the others had finally made it in the room and all had confused expressions. I finally looked up at him with a pleading expression, nobody could know about me, about what happened, they would see me for the monster I really am. Ruining lives and killing. I started to breathe heavily and I could feel a panic attack coming, I closed my eyes and took deep calming breaths it was just too much, I needed air.

"I'm just . . gonna step outside" I barely finished my sentence before I was outside, bent over gasping for air. It was just too much for one day, I needed to relax and just forget like I came here to do. I sat on the porch for a few minutes, admiring the landscape, it was so freeing and calm out here and Esme's garden was beautiful. I tried to find my way back inside before they came searching for me.

When I walked in everyone stared at me and I felt the blood rush to my cheeks, they seemed to get the hint and looked away while Emmett spoke up

"so who is up for a game of never have I ever" my eyes went wide and I gulped discreetly, this was not a good game for someone whose big brother was two inches away; not to mention the last time I played I was thirteen and the questions were not as bad then as I imagined they would be now.

Everyone gathered around the table in the middle of the room and I sat in between Edward and Emmet, Alice sat next to Edward on his other side then Jasper and Rosalie completed the circle. Emmett started off the game

"alright usual rules apply but I will clarify for Bella since she has never played with us before" he turned to me

"have you played this before" he asked. I blushed remembering the last time I played I ended with my first kiss; I nodded "yea, when I was thirteen" he smiled, "okay, so you get the basics, we each hold up ten fingers and the person with the most fingers still up at the end wins, there are no rules other than that, all questions are open, okay" "alright" I smiled.

Jasper began the game, "okay, never have I ever gone to jail" nobody's hands went down and Rosalie went next,

"never have I ever had a tattoo" I cursed silently, I was hoping for Emmett not to find out about that because the question that followed was always 'where' and that was a question I did not want to answer. I put one finger down and surprisingly so did Jasper; we glanced at each other and smirked. Rosalie looked at me with interest,

"what do you have" I contemplated briefly which one I should show her, they were both personal but I went with the one that had two dates, Emmett would recognize the one from mom but the second was five days after and nobody knew about that one; they laid directly over my heart. I pulled my shirt down to show them,

"what are the dates for, I know the first is when mom died . . ." Emmett trailed off but I refused to answer that question, everyone looked at me expectantly

"I'd rather not say" I said quietly. Jasper then looked knowingly at me and pulled off his shirt, turning around to show me his, across his shoulder blades the name Alice was drawn cursively and I smiled between them. Emmett went next, "never have I ever had a piercing" that knocked all three of us girls out with a cheap shot; all girls had ear piercings although mine were not as conventional.

Alice continued the game, "never have I ever had sex" I shot a glare at Alice who unknowingly had just started what I was sure was to be a not too pleasant Emmett. I hid my surprise at her statement and I quickly tucked down another finger along with Emmett and Rosalie who still managed to see my movement.

He glared at me and his face became red, I said a silent prayer, please whoever out there has pity for me, please do not let him make a big deal out of this. But of course this was Emmett and I was his baby sister,

"what the hell! I thought you were a virgin, tell me who it was so I can go beat their ass" I rolled my eyes but my face was beet red.

"Emmett, It's not a big deal, I'm a big girl"

"your too young, you're my baby sister" his tone turned softer then he became contemplative and was hesitant, "was it Damion" his face was blank and I couldn't tell if he would be mad or not but I was a horrible liar so I went with the truth,

"yes" he took a deep breath, masking his anger and muttered, "I knew that would happen, I should have never left, I'll teach that bastard a lesson" Rosalie began massaging his shoulders and threw an apologetic glance over at me, but it wasn't her fault, he was bound to find out anyway.

I went next to continue the game and hopefully drop the subject, "never have I ever been skinny dipping" surprisingly all of them put down a finger and I glanced at them curiously; Rosalie rolled her eyes and smiled at me,

"Emmett always uses skinny dipping as his dare when we play truth or dare"I nodded understandingly then Edward went, being the last one and his statement surprised me,

"never have I ever been in love" he was looking straight at me and everyone put a finger down except Edward, I found myself surprised that I was wavering in my answer; never before had I questioned my love for Damion but I found myself unsure as I looked in his eyes.

The game continued with thankfully more innocent questions until Jasper went again, "never have I ever done drugs" my last finger went down which left Rosalie, Jasper, Alice, and Edward still in. Their shocked gazes didn't surprise me but they wisely kept their questions quiet with Emmett and I watching as Edward beat them hands down.

"Alright, we all knew Eddie here was going to win so let's get on to the movie. We all stretched and got up, Alice and Emmett disappearing in the kitchen for snacks. I sat on the couch while I heard an argument increasing in volume in the kitchen, Carlisle and Esme came out at the noise and Emmett and Alice came stomping out of the kitchen still yelling.

"It's obvious that everyone prefers popcorn Alice, I mean the buttery goodness is impossible to not like . . ." they continued on while I picked up Tesoro from the floor and I quietly stepped outside while they were entertained and sat back in the freshly cut grass, tucking my leg into myself to get more comfortable and brought my guitar onto my lap.

I felt a pang of longing a I gazed through the glass wall on the scene in the family room; Emmet and Alice were arguing about some topic, most likely completely ridiculous while Rosalie looked on with a mask of disdain though I could tell by her glinting eyes that she was amused. Japer smiled fondly at Alice and Edward, always on the exterior yet still maintaining that familial bond, was perched on the couch with his ear buds and a book while sneaking glances at the huge monstrosity of Emmet seemingly losing to the small midget Alice.

Throughout this whole ideal Carlisle and Esme stood with their arms wrapped around each other gazing lovingly at the scene before them, they truly were the perfect family in every aspect, sure they fought and annoyed each other but they were fiercely loyal and had an unbreakable bond.

I turned around, feeling a though I was intruding on a personal moment, I don't know what the Cullen's saw in me that they invite me into their circle without hesitation and knew I should be thankful but sometimes I felt so out of place.

I focused back on the beauty before me, without her I never would have gotten through half of the issues in my life, I stroked the strings tenderly before starting into my songs; I knew it was risky playing here seeing as my songs were so personal but I couldn't ignore the beautiful expanse of land and starry night so rare to find in Phoenix.

_So you sailed away__  
__Into a grey sky morning__  
__Now I'm here to stay__  
__Love can be so boring__  
_  
_Nothing's quite the same now_  
_I just say your name now_

_[Chorus]_  
_But it's not so bad_  
_You're only the best I ever had_  
_You don't want me back_  
_You're just the best I ever had_

I allowed the memories of the good times flood through my consciousness, him leaving me messages in inconsequential places like my jacket pocket or locker reminding me of how much he appreciates me or just us laying together watching sappy chick flicks because he knows their my favorite.

_So you stole my world_  
_Now I'm just a phony_  
_Remembering the girl_  
_Leaves me down and lonely_

_Send it in a letter_  
_Make yourself feel better_

_[Chorus]_  
_But it's not so bad_  
_You're only the best I ever had_  
_You don't need me back_  
_You're just the best I ever had_

_And it may take some time to_  
_Patch me up inside_  
_But I can't take it so I_  
_Run away and hide_  
_And I may find in time that_  
_You were always right_  
_You're always right_

_So you sailed away_  
_Into a grey sky morning_  
_Now I'm here to stay_  
_Love can be so boring_

I still find it hard to believe that he is really not here anymore, sometimes I find myself inside a seven eleven and remembering the time we played the mad dash to see who was the quickest and other inside jokes and I whip my phone out to remind him when I'm hit with the realization that he is really gone

_What was it you wanted_  
_Could it be I'm haunted_

_[Chorus]_  
_But it's not so bad_  
_You're only the best I ever had_  
_I don't want you back_  
_You're just the best I ever had_  
_The best I ever had_  
_The best I ever_

I let the last notes flow out before starting into another, I felt so comfortable and free out here, I could tell this would be one of those nights where I allowed myself to indulge in his memories and began recounting the songs in my head, a new melody working itself in my head. I stored it away for later use and allowed my fingers to tell the next song, the one I wrote a few days before he . . . died, but I never sang it to him, I never had the chance.

_You come to me with scars on your wrist_  
_You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this_  
_I just came to say goodbye_  
_I didn't want you to see me cry, I'm fine_  
_But I know it's a lie_

_This is the last night you'll spend alone_  
_Look me in the eyes so I know you know_  
_I'm everywhere you want me to be_  
_The last night you'll spend alone_  
_I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go_  
_I'm everything you need me to be_

_Your parents say everything is your fault_  
_But they don't know you like I know you_  
_They don't know you at all_  
_I'm so sick of when they say_  
_It's just a phase, you'll be o.k. you're fine_  
_But I know it's a lie_

I wish I could go back and reassure him, that nothing was his fault, he did nothing wrong; now, I was stuck in his mercy while his parents were free and living with no guilt, satisfied at the chain they had around my neck, I was powerless to them.

_This is the last night you'll spend alone_  
_Look me in the eyes so I know you know_  
_I'm everywhere you want me to be_  
_The last night you'll spend alone_  
_I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go_  
_I'm everything you need me to be_  
_The last night away from me_

_The night is so long when everything's wrong_  
_If you give me your hand_  
_I will help you hold on_  
_Tonight, tonight_

_This is the last night you'll spend alone_  
_Look me in the eyes so I know you know_  
_I'm everywhere you want me to be_  
_The last night you'll spend alone_  
_I'll wrap you in my arms and I won't let go_  
_I'm everything you need me to be_

I should have been there more for him, he didn't deserve his end.

_I won't let you say goodbye_  
_And I'll be your reason why_  
_The last night away from me_  
_Away from me_

I felt the familiar tears begin to fall but I roughly pushed them away, I didn't deserve to cry, everything was my fault and I could do nothing but watch, watch as he wasted away.

"_Baby, where are you" I stepped cautiously through the room I spent most of my childhood in; it was empty without him and his guitar slung across his lap._

_I shut the door behind me and came in to see him lying in bed without his shirt on, napping with a peaceful smile that I never got to see; a large welt on his lower torso stood out and I sighed to myself, wishing he would tell somebody. Nobody deserved the abuse he received, least of all him, but he always downplayed it, making it seem inconsequential._

_I laid down next to him, trailing kisses from the bruise up his chest, I hesitated at his mouth and whispered in his ear_

_"time to wake up Tesoro" he groaned and rolled to his side, nearly crushing me as I squeaked at the pressure. He shot up, disoriented, and glanced confusedly at me; he looked so adorable when he was confused._

_"When did you get here" his voice still husky from sleep asked,_

_"a few minutes ago, you seemed so peaceful but I didn't want to leave you alone before he comes back" his eyes darkened at my implication._

_"No its fine, thanks" I hated the flash of pain in his eyes, I took his chin in my hand sand stared in his troubled brown eyes_

_"tu sei la mia vita, il mio Tesoro"__He laughed gently at my mispronunciation in a broken accent, he had taught me Italian over the years from our childhood but I could never manage to pronounce the words correctly, I loved when he spoke in Italian to me, it made him even more attractive._

_Those were the same words he spoke to me every time he confessed his emotions and wanted to remind me of the depth of our bond, the simple words never ceased to affect me. He moved from Italy when he was seven and managed to keep it throughout the years; he was my first and only friend, and now my boyfriend.I didn't like cheapening our relationship to that though, we had an unbreakable bond, and we told each other everything._

_I moved my mouth to his as I lost myself in his taste and slid my tongue along his lower lip, gliding over his piercing as we moved in synchronization. His hands gripped the nape of my neck, tangling in the knot of hair; I moved my hands down his chest, his toned muscles shuddering under my touch and him, moaning in pleasure._

_We gasped for breath while he continued frantic kisses down my neck, sucking at the pulse point eliciting positive responses from my end before crashing our mouths together once again. The desire to touch him was overwhelming, I wanted to bare my soul to him; it was the rare time he was vulnerable to me, giving me a chance to protect him and give him my heart when I couldn't give anything else_

_. I traced the scars on his arm absentmindedly, holding in a sob at the freshness of these to the old scabbed ones; he moved his hands to the hem of my shirt, running his cool hands over my stomach and inching my shirt up higher before completely removing it._

_His lips ghosted over my black bra, my back arching in contractual pleasure; he rubbed his thumbs over the top, my breathing increasing as my hands inched themselves down to the button of his jeans, pushing them down as he sprawled on top of me, pinning me against the bed and removing my own jeans just as I pushed his own to the floor._

_My plain black bra and panties were simple, I never knew what he saw in me but his eyes laden with pure lust and need removed that thought quickly as he snapped the bra clasp, pulling the straps slowly down my arms and covering my breasts with his hands, his cold touch brushing against my nipples causing my eyes to roll back. He pulled down my panties, his nose skimming my inner thighs, trailing kisses right above the spot where I needed him._

_He rubbed my clit in small circles, entering a finger in effortlessly with my moans getting louder, needing the release._

_"Bella" he whispered against my skin as he kissed me without abandon, passion pouring from every crevice as I called out his name as my release exploded_

_"Damion"_

_I relaxed against the pillow, lethargic from the exhilaration and moved over him, smiling in anticipation as he shuddered at my touch across his length, I ran my hands up and down, pumping him and rubbing the tip of my finger over his tip._

_"please" he panted, his desperation becoming more obvious,_

_"Bella" he screamed and fell on top of me, smiling goofily at each other we cuddled together._

_I watched as he closed his eyes and drifted to sleep with that same smile as earlier, pleased that I could put that there; I glanced down at his body, my smile fading as I noticed the bruises were worse since the last time. I knew I should tell somebody but I told myself he knew what he was doing and I wouldn't betray his trust, we were alone in this and I couldn't lose him._

_Sobs wracked my body and I held onto him tighter, finally drifting into an unpeaceful sleep, nightmares plaguing me._

The fury rose in me as I began another song, I had to calm myself down but the anger was crushing me as I abused the strings. I was stupid and let myself watch him destroy himself, let others destroy him and did absolutely nothing.

_The secret side of me, I never let you see_  
_I keep it caged but I can't control it_  
_So stay away from me, the beast is ugly_  
_I feel the rage and I just can't hold it_

I saw red as I murdered the strings, screaming the lines like profanities

_It's scratching on the walls, in the closet, in the halls_  
_It comes awake and I can't control it_  
_Hiding under the bed, in my body, in my head_  
_Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?_

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_  
_I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I, I feel like a monster_  
_I, I feel like a monster_

The truth bled out of me and I knew my voice would be sore in the morning

_My secret side I keep hid under lock and key_  
_I keep it caged but I can't control it_  
_'Cause if I let him out he'll tear me up, break me down_  
_Why won't somebody come and save me from this, make it end?_

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_  
_I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_  
_I, I feel like a monster_  
_I, I feel like a monster_

_It's hiding in the dark, it's teeth are razor sharp_  
_There's no escape for me, it wants my soul, it wants my heart_  
_No one can hear me scream, maybe it's just a dream_  
_Maybe it's inside of me, stop this monster_

I wish I knew how to make it stop but I would always be a monster

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_  
_I hate what I've become, the nightmare's just begun_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I feel it deep within, it's just beneath the skin_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_  
_I've gotta lose control, he something radical_  
_I must confess that I feel like a monster_

_I, I feel like a monster_  
_I, I feel like a monster_  
_I, I feel like a monster_  
_I, I feel like a monster_

The fight drained out of me and I collapsed on the ground, sobs wracking my figure as I said the words that always pulled me through: "tu sei la mia vita, il mio Tesoro"

As the words left my lips I felt warm hands on my sides, picking me up and I laid my head on the chest as it comforted me whispering "it's okay, you will be okay" and I couldn't help but hope, _I will be okay_

_No you don't know what it's like__  
__When nothing feels all right__  
__You don't know what it's like__  
__To be like me__  
_

_*tu sei la mia vita, il mio Tesoro- you are my life, my darling/treasure__  
_


End file.
